I've been pretty depressed lately, and every new day that I live, I am more and more confused on what God's plan for me is.
All my life, all I wanted was to be a performer. To be onstage performing for millions of people, and people to know and appreciate my hard work - MY blood, sweat, and tears, so to speak.
Things have been going really well with my career lately, in my opinion. This year alone, I've been blessed with opportunities to open for/perform with SO many amazing people...some of which I was a fan of growing up or have become a fan of within recent years. These are people I not only admire, but respect, and am inspired by, and just to have the opportunity to share the stage - one of the most intimate things in the world - with them is one of the coolest things in the world for me, let alone the fact that I've been able to become friends with some of these people and get to know them as people - not just as performers. What's great about it all is that the people that I'm talking about are geniunely amazing people - not morons like a lot of people in this business, and I'm so lucky to have been able to have those experiences. I got a phone call the other night from a friend of mine and I was told that I was in Popstar Magazine this month. That was a dream of mine as a kid that I was able to fulfill. As stupid as it sounds, it was another goal reached. There are so many more amazing opportunities in the works for the rest of the year for me...I'm going on the road next month with a band that I've gotten to become friends with VERY recently, and we're all gonna be in an RV together, so it should be a lot of fun. I just got back from doing my first red carpet event in Los Angeles, and I am officially approved and on file with the #1 background casting agency in Hollywood for background acting. So many amazing things happening, right? The weird thing about it all though is...I don't feel happy. Those people that I've become friends with and shared so many amazing memories with - I never see. Those people that I call my best friends - and who once called me theirs (I hope they still do) some of which are on the other side of the country, and others are not only across the country, but across the world. It's SO hard to maintain a friendship with people that you never see, and when you do see, they're working. I think back on some of the times we had and it really sucks to know that I'm not a part of their lives right now and that they're not a part of mine to see me starting to accomplish some of the goals that we had talked about from the very beginning of our friendship. I couldn't be any happier for them...they truly deserve everything in the world. I won't lie though - it's hard. So many people came into my life so quickly and became a part of my everyday life, and now we're all split up across the country pursuing different paths, and I hate the fact that we're not all a part of each others lives anymore. None of us can share our successes with each other...and what's the point in having success if there's no one to share it with? I guess I just feel like this is is what I've been working towards and waiting for my entire life and now that I'm actually getting to live out some of my dreams, I kinda hoped that some of the people that mattered most to me would be able to be there to celebrate with me. Maybe everyone's just too busy...maybe everyone's following different paths, or maybe everyone's simply grown apart, but I'll tell you what...I'll never forget those memories and I pray to God every night that we can make more.
One of my best friends from high school called me up tonight and left a voicemail asking for my address so that he could send me a wedding invitation because he is getting married. We haven't hung out since we graduated high school. Did I mention this kid was one of my best friends for 4 years? And yes, we haven't hung out since we graduated, and suddenly, after 4 years of not hanging out and talking MAYBE every 9 months, we're suddenly supposed to be best friends again and I'm supposed to come to his wedding, buy a gift, and pretend like we never lost touch? I dunno. Once a friend, always a friend, but c'mon...why the effort now? Not that I didn't appreciate the invite or the phone call, because that could have slipped through the cracks too, but it's just annoying. And it's not just that situation...it's so many relationships in my life like that and I guess that was just really bad timing, because it really got to me. Who knows?
Is it toomuch to ask to have someone to throw around a light up football with? Or just drive around aimless doing nothing sitting next to?
Seriously...that's all I want.
Summer 2008...I'm counting on you to be one of the most amazing summers of my life. Don't let me down. I need you to come through for me....